Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

I am yelling

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night