I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I think we should hear other voices.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
inventing words: clothing
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*