Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

File under excellent bookstore names.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Can’t stop laughing

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.