I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.