Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Creepy-crawlies

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014