I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.