I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.