I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
(True)
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.