I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
it’s finally my moment to shine
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.