I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement