Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

#Caturday

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

phew

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.