Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.