Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*