I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.


Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.


Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend


At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.


[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man


I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff


Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily