I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried