I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Wolves should really raise more people.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.