Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Good morning