Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

@ candidates for local office

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G