I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?