hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
nobody’s gonna understand
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice