Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW