Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.