I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.