I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit


Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?


The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.


If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter


Her: 911, what’s your emerge-


Her: Sir, that’s not an em-


Her: I’ll send an officer.


Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.