I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
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Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
You deplete me
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me