I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
