I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
