Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience