Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

I’m giving up for Lent.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true