Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

my retirement plan is braless

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

No.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u