@Brampersandon_

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

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@rimaparikh12

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.

@man_spach

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

@stewteee

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@lincnotfound

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@ValeeGrrl

My son’s baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens