I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i’m sure it’s fine
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!