I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.