Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD