I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters