Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.