I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
he was correct
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok