I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.