Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

wtf

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

i meant to share this earlier

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.