I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
i made a craigslist ad !
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed