I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Hard not to take this personally
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.