I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Only you can prevent podcasts
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg