I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
mom gave me mine for free
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.