I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.