I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.