I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Beware of the dog..
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation