Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

crazy

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?