I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Finally, a door that understands me
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
drew a comic about my origin story
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog