Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”