I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Friday
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.