I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
how to market bottled water to dads
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.