I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together