I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open