I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me 2 months after i graduated
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?