I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago