Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

こいつ天才

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.