I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
when a toddler tells a story
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The options really are this bad
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
three things we don’t talk about
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*