I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products