I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Haha! 😂
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.