I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.