I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.