I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*