I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”