I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Do you like vampires?
đźź© Nosferatu
âś… Yesferatu
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
