I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
#MeanwhileInCanada
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
