I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
