I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
uncle dave has been through hell
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
