I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Trumpy Cat
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
