Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.