I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.