I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
You Might Also Like
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything