I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.