I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.