Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.