Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?