Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

❤️❤️❤️

me after eating Cheetos

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

lost dog

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

so, is there a mister shapen head

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.