I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]